Tests & Testes

IQ 4 Experts: The Incomprehension Quotient Revisited

Testing is one of the most important “second-order” human activities, second only to things like breathing, eating, and (for some) sex. Even these often require testing, however, as when checking the quality of air, food or the prospective mate. Did you know that the dog does most of its testing with its nose?

Although fingers & toes, eyes, cerebral pre-frontal cortex & certainly the tongue are also sometimes involved, the nose probably remains the center of most human testing, at least according to Dr.Kate  Bigshnoz at the IRS (Institute for Runaway Self-reference), who swears “I wouldn’t ride an elevator without one.”

One of the foremost experts on the Sniff Test, Dr. Bigshnoz has even developed one exclusively her own, the Bigshnoz Sniff Test (usually just called the BS Test). The BS Test has never been more popular–or more needed, say those in the business of offering it, as well as many satisfied customers who found out they lived in the downwind shadow of toxic chemical plants, hazardous waste incinerators & towering super-giant manure piles used in the manufacture of industrial-strength Super-poop.

Of course it’s impractical to specifically test every breath, at least consciously, which may be partly why people with BS Testing experience are in such demand, especially these days in the private sector, with more BS to test from official sources than ever, every day.

Some experts believe the Sniff Test is the earliest in the human experience, while others save that honor for the infant’s Taste It Test. Charles Downwind’s The ABCD-Scent of Species claims there’s an early time in evolution & the embryo when taste & smell may be the same sense. Indeed, the adult analyst Sigmoid Floyd found such a close kinship between the scent & taste of a nipple, they were hard to distinguish, despite frequent testing. He was also dyslexic, however, as well as a great tease, & often treated testing & tasting as if they were the same word.

According to some embryonic micro-psychologists, the origin of all forms of testing, from sniffing & tasting on, can be found in the urge to question–the primal huh? We’re questioning all the time, usually without realizing it, but part of the programming, what the eyes, ears, skin, nose, mouth, & furrowed brow are doing even when we’re not paying attention. When it comes to a creature’s environment, questioning testing amount to the same thing. On some exams, miss a question & you get eaten.

There is no education more important, then, than what questions to ask, unless it’s how to question. What good does it do to “look both ways before crossing the street” if all you do is look? You have to ask, “Is anything coming this way? how closely? how fast?  Did something slip in at the left while I was looking to the right, or vice versa? Is it completely safe?” And only when the you’ve satisfied that last question, whether in a millisecond or 10 minutes, do you cross.

At first mum’s there holding your hand, or pop, big sister, auntie, but the aim is to turn more & more control to you when you’re able to handle it, which means you’ve taken charge of your own questions. You can follow the same principle at work in all school & job-site learning–learning the questions to ask, starting with “what does that mean?” & finishing with “might that be on the test?” For experts, it’s the questions they’ve learned to ask that keys in their focus, the specific kinds of things to ask, note & thus observe.

It may, with some good reasons, seem to many students that it makes less difference what you know than how well you test, at least for academic success. In professional life, this translates into, “It’s less important what you know than what you seem to know.” In practice, the truth may be just the reverse–it can be an advantage to know more than you seem to, and be smarter than you look. (It rarely pays to be less.)

Encouraging students to seem smarter than they are may or may not be the best strategy for the world, lives & work ahead. Unless they are lifers, however, they must eventually take over the responsibility for evaluating what they do & don’t know. Instead of hiding what they don’t know (if they even recognize it), and smoke-screening the rest, wouldn’t students & the state of knowledge generally both benefit more by asking, answering &/or evaluating questions, whichever comes first, preferably about what isn’t known?

By asking questions, we not only show what we don’t yet know, but have a chance to find something out–like whether there’s traffic on the street we’re crossing.  It’s no use to have the results of that “road test” filed in a data-base somewhere else, like an SBD Testing facility. Even if the questions were given to you as a child, you need to be the one to ask them to get the most immediate benefits.

This brings us back to the original principle that gave rise to the concepts of self-testing, self-evaluation, &, indeed, all self-education, in the first place, starting with those who make, give or take tests & finishing with those who ask, answer, or skip questions.

Below, you will find a variety of attention-challenging tests, most of which have their own questions, & many of these multiple answers for you to choose among, whether singly or “all that apply.”  They have been specially designed to be entirely self-administered, which means self-proctored, self-timed, & self-serving, so you need not ask permission to take a break, even a long one.


The Funny You Should Ask Test:

Is it funny? Y___ N___

1b. On a scale of 1-10, how funny? ______________.

2b. What would be funnier?
a) a scale of 2-9?
b) a 100-pound scale?
c) a scale with weight & fortunes?
d) a pound of fish scales?

3. Did you know that funny testing
a) activates air follicles?
b) beats most other tests to the punch?
c) can make you smart, glow & tingle?
d) now comes with Guffaw Protection?
~~~~# yes; ~~~~# no.

4. Did you know that
a) DYK stands for Did You Know?
b) DUK stands for Did-U-Know?
c) DYK & DUK are kinds of tests?
d) Only you can score your own?
~~~~# yes; ~~~~# no.

5. Did you not know that
a) DYNK stands for Did You Not Know?
b) DYNK tests are considered harder
~~to take; ~~to score; ~~to understand?
c) it pays to know what you know?
d) it pays more to know what you don’t?
~~~~~# Yes; ~~~~~ # No.

6. DYK that
a) DYK Tests are produced by SBD Testing?
b) SBD was formerly Substandard Bidet & Dyk?
c) Some say Substandard Testing took over Bidet & Dyk,
others that they had made a merger of more or less equals?
~~~~~# Yes; ~~~~~ # No.

7) DYNK that
a) Substandard Testing was originally spun off from
the federal Bureau of Substandards & Alternative Measurements?
b) The BSAM is the official source of government BS?
c) As also of Alternative Facts, Fudged News & Miss Measurements?
d) Uncle BSAM sponsors the annual Miss Measurements Pageant?
~~~~~# Yes; ~~~~~ # No.

8) DUNK that
a) Enough is enough usually really means too much already?
b) True procrastinators don’t put off today what they can put off tomorrow?
c) a BP, Bachelor of Procrastination or equivalent in non-work experience is a pre-requisite for post-graduate programs leading to an MP, Master of Procrastination, “the one degree you can’t afford to put off”?
d) DUNK Tests may include product placements paid for by degree-granting entities?
~~~~~# Yes; ~~~~~ # No.

9. DYNK that
a) “9” is German for No?
b) Multiple negatives may (or may not) make a positive?
c) DUK testees also score high on drug & alcohol tests?
d) DUK Test testers score even higher?
~~~~~# Yes; ~~~~~ # No.

10. DUK that
a) there are no right or wrong answers to DUKs (Did-You-Knows)?
b) only the testees know their actual answers, & how honest they are?
c) you must grade your own answers for accuracy?
d) you must grade your own grading for both honesty & accuracy?
e) true excellence exceeds all measures of evaluation?
f) no actual ducks were plucked in preparing this test?
~~~~~# Yes; ~~~~~ # No.

[Now add your yess’s & no’s, multiply by the square root of apple pie a la mode & subtract your 3 biggest handicaps to get your new locker number at the DIY Institute’s virtual summer math camp. Girls who wear glasses get tuition free as long as space lasts.]

Test: from French teste; Latin & Indian testum;
plural =
English tests or French testes;
diminutive = testicle (dim. plural = testicles).

Tickle tickle little test,
be the host or be the guest,
know the most or take a guess,
if you’re the ghost, who gets the jest? 

Early forms of the word for testing included the sense of cup & cupel (“a cup for assaying metals, or hearth for refining them”), thence any exam to determine what something’s made of, how it behaves, what it knows, how it tastes or goes down, how it changes when mixed up with this or that, whom & what, in hot & cold, etc.

Whether tracing its roots to a refined alchemist’s tedious cup test; an earthy gladiator’s Latin testicuples; or a mythic mortal’s mega-marathon to show the world what he was made of & what team had the right stuff, all agree that the modern quiz, exam, & test of every sort, type, size & purpose under heaven covers some considerable ground, much of it irregular, with a topography not as easily measured as commonly pretended.

It’s a common ms-understanding among ordinary people that you can measure coast-lines, for example, however roughly, yet true experts know that “the shorter the measuring stick, the longer the coast,” meaning the measurement you get depends on the device or standard you choose to use. Using a mile-long string, you get one result; using a yardstick another; and others still using an inch-worm, microscope or kaleidoscope.

Why should intelligence–& often more critically, its lack–be any different? As one ex-expert formerly at SBD Testing (who prefers not to be identified) notes, “the challenges of testing lack of intelligence in its many forms, flavors, levels & incarnations are not to be sneezed at, requiring not just an appropriate Lack of Intelligence Quota Index (LIQI Quotient), but a blind data base of test-makers & takers, testers & testees, witting & unwitting contributors over the centuries to draw inspiration from between cups.

In a famous test attributed to “Myffmath, the Pythagorean,” for example, the first recognized question in the form of a statement went: “If the proof is in the pudding, the test is in the a) pie filling; b) pantry; c) clams; d) dangle (angle of); e) triangle; f) flan; g) the spot it lights up; h) the fan the flan hits; i) taste. Choose as many as apply & can be successfully defended in a bocce court.”

Disgustibus no disputandum est.” (“There’s no dispute, this is disgusting.”)

Pythagoreans believed colors & tones could also be tasted, it seems, as well as smelled. One treatise on the “Stinky Parallelogram,” later used in the deisgn of the outhouse hole, claimed “A myth should smell as sweet as the nose will allow,” a text which apparently also carried the sense of  “as deep as the knower knows how.”

Pythy himself, as Pythagoras Himself was known to his friends among the Mythapythians, was first to note (at least in Mythapythian Greek) that some smells could be heard in advance of the olfaction itself, from which he postulated the theorem that sound travels faster than smell–but that smell lasts longer. He later went on to see how their speeds changed under water, building on an idea he had gotten in the jacuzzi at Delphi.

[The Mythapythy River, though flowing through Pythagoras’ psychic landscape, had  independent origin & naming in the Mythapythian highlands of the most most remote region of the Mishugunah Peninsula outback. Waters claiming to be Mythapythian may be purchased today, but they should be tested by an independent lab for the presence of signature vitamins, minerals & other “contaminants.” Modern Pythy Waters seldom pass the test, let alone “with flying colors” as some labels claim. In fact, experts indicate that  flying colors may be the result of an unwanted side effect & a bad sign.]

Digging Deeper: Never use a green banana to clean out your ear.

Dyk’s Handy Random Pocket Pinhead Dictionary: “From a presumed Indo-European base (something like tekth, or tetht) meaning to weave, knot or connect threads, the original branching root gave rise to the Sanskrit cup; the Greek tekton (carpenter, one who assembles); the Geek tekie; the school, university, eye, loyalty, blood, alcohol & driving test we know today; as well as the clown medical testicle (“cough”; a hard outer shell, like that of a clam; & testa, the hard outer covering of a seed (as where you must pass the testa to get the nut or other nutritious goodie).”

[Never mind for the moment testament, testify, testimony, testimonial, testy, testudinate, testate, intestate, interstate and testiculate (“having two testicle-shaped tubers”). You may be tested on these at some later date. For now, there’s more pressing stuff to test, or cup your stuff with, more relevant than entymology. For example: ]

The Well Tested Philosophy Pre-Test (The Tao of Testing in China in Chinese) claims
a) true testing starts &/or resides in the self (T__; F__)
b) self-testing starts at home, but doesn’t stay there.  (T__; F__)
c) self-grading is harder than self-testing. (T__; F__)
d) self-grading one’s grading is harder still.  (T__; F__)
e) close examination can also reveal well hidden qualities (T__; F__)
f) flaws in the eye of the beholder may not be as huge as they look
—under a microscope; —through either end of the telescope;
—in a kaleidoscope; —during self-colonoscopy? (T__; F__)
g) mirrors keep you humble, if not honest. (T__; F__)
h) honesty is in the high of he beholder.  (T__; F__)
i) Only you can prevent forest fires. (T__; F__)
j) all are T (including this) but “i” & “k,” which are F. (T__; F__)
k) all are T except “I” & “k,” which are F. (T__; F__)

This where the Pythagoreans got really pythed, claims one modern philosopher of self-testing, the DIY Institute of Technology’s Frigate Professor of Lithpian Self-Evaluation, Dr. I. Diddit Maiwei (Diddi to friends). “How can the exact same answer (parentheses aside, added later) be T in answer ‘j’ & F in ‘k’ immediately after, a simple shift in position?” Diddi asks. “To answer, you have to go to the true inner purpose (tip) of testing.”

The TIP: The True Inner Purpose of testing is:

a) to learn; b) to learn more; c) to see more; d) to discover more; e) to explore more; f) to find out what you don’t know (& sometimes even learn it); f’) to get one’s faculties functioning at a higher clip, frequency, energy-level & intensity of focus; g) to go gee, gee whizz, wow, aha!, oh, didn’t see that one coming, guffaw (surprise!); h) hi-ho, ah-so! (Humor us, said the flock, and we’ll follow you anywhere*) i) to see the i of the beholder in a more complete light; j) to jerk the eyelids up (i.e., check if anyone’s home);  etc.

  • In the King Leroy bible, Adam & Eve appear before the Lord of the Fries after eating of the fruitcake of gooden weevils, and Adam says, “Humor us, as we did not know what we were doing,” after which Adam & Eve discover each other’s elbows have funny bones (“humeri, humeruses”), each leading to other bones in a series of electric connections all the way to Cain & Abel, Ishtar & Irving, Cynthia Pythicus & Pelucid Lucidity, etc.
  • Discovered & named by shop-keeper John Gooden in a shipment of fruitcakes, the Gooden Weevil fueled the subsequent commercial success of Gooden Plenty, the venture capital firm that made ‘holy-fruitcake’ a household word, along with Xmas, in the territories it conquered “one fruitcake at a time.”
  • Just because today’s maggots are considered extremely yucky, people forget what a delicacy a pocketful could be in times of scarcity, when they spelled nutrition (nut, for short). No self-respecting witch or other doctor would leave home without a small stash, thong or dangle, along with a few leeches, peach-worms & bold ball weevils, giving rise to the modern fruitcake, though with leechee nuts instead of leeches, which have long been considered nosh-less & nut-less.

    Funny You Should Ask Pre Post-Test

Before learning anything, take the following pre-postit past-tense test–& a) shove it; b) shave it; c) save it in your random access memory; d) half bake it in a fruitcake; e) just do the best you can–but no better! Your score will simply provide a floor below which you will have f) fallen through; g) landed in the basement; h) a claim for damages; i) automatically signed & dotted the disclaimer taking responsibility for all risks by virtue of having continued, despite this clear & present warning: Do not read or think about any of this  while performing any task requiring undivided attention.

Remember this when you: a) come to a fork in the attention; b) post bail, or blog; c) can-can; d) try to screw-drive a dull point home; e) evacuate; f) finagle; g) guffaw. [The firm of Evacuate, Finagle & Guffaw have advised SBD Testing in return for credit in brackets.]

0. Testees should now turn
–off their smarts; –in their virtual answer sheets;
–up their noses; –on their friends; –out their pockets;
–down unwanted offers; –around, & return post pre.

0.1 Ordinary intelligence will only get
–you so far; –in the way; –negative credit;
–half off; –points every other odd day;
–what little respect it deserves.

0.3 A barrel of which of the following is probably funniest?
a) Moonshine & Absinthe
b) Monk’s Abbey Port & Hairy Nuns Sherry
c)  Sparkling Inn Cider & Home Enema Mix
d) Hilarious Molasses & Der Glass’s Rose’
e) Electrostatic Discs with dorktionaries

g) Spots; h) Hearty-farts; i) iBalls; j) Jellicles; l) Sic Likkers;
m) Molly Squabbles; n) Nippled Nougats; o) Oy Vey Shmears;
p) Potholes, Postholes, Preholes, Peepholes & Poopholes;
q) Squidge Quibbles, Golly Squabbles & Glob Squats;
r) Rawnchy Ranch Ribbits; s) Sucker-doodles; t) Tung Twistems;
u) Huey Terns; v) Vagus Nerves; w) Itchy Bushes; x) 9 Exes;
y) Yankidroozles; z)  Zzzzzippiditts, Zztzztzzs, & Ziszszszszsls.

[Since funny is as funny does, the correct answer, according to the I.P. Pre-cognition Guessed Evaluation Test Service Team, a leader in quasi-predictive prognostication & obfuscation de-penetration, is “Any &/or all of the above you chuckled at, if any” or “Other,” since the Pinhead Encyclopedia gives the funniest answer as “a barrel of laughs, nitwit.“]

2. In a recent TV drama not worth mentioning, one angry partner says to the other, “Don’t lie to my face,” then turns around & walks out, slamming the door. In a better script, the other partner should have answered with another question first, “If I shouldn’t lie to your face, what should I lie to?” Then the first partner can answer, “Lie to –a) my attorney; b) my backside; c) my darling; d) my derringer; e) my absence–“; & only then walk out.

[Again the best answer isn’t offered, f) “take your pick–& shovel.” At least according to the SWAK (Script Writers Ap Kick), a Test Answer Ap given to prospective sitcom & skit writers by the Ripped Script Writers Guild (RSWG) “so we can learn from our mistakes. We must at least admit that “the humor level has indeed gotten quite low.” Time to renew the well.”]

~~~~~~~IDIOMS FOR MORONS–“one sighs fitch awl”

According to Dick’s Handy Random Pocket Pinhead Dictionary, “the idiom is to the moron what the mot juste is to the idiot, or the au jus to a French Drip Sandwich.”

In This Tangled Tongue, however, twisted linguist Margarita Oui-oui Tusuite pointed out that “the Greek idios, one’s own, peculiar, can be applied to individuals, groups, or whole languages, but may also refer to those peculiar expressions that don’t seem to mean what they say, or say what they mean, but nevertheless do.”

Such “peculiar idioms” get away with it, she says, because “it’s the usual way,” i.e., a group of language-sharing people have gotten used to saying & hearing the expression used in that way, with that meaning, meaning that idiomatic expressions are usually learned the same way all other parts of language use are, i.e., mainly without thinking about it.

More advanced new learners of the language must sometimes “think about it,” however, in order to get it. They often want to know more, like why, how, & sometimes when & with whom, so have joined the Bod Library’s More On Reading Odd Idioms Club, whose members are called “MORONS” for short–which, to those in-the-know, is a terrific honorific, meaning “a person of boundless inquiry, awareness & self-deprecation.”

Also humble. Unlike your dime-a-dozen modern jerk, who (like his superstitious forebears) thinks he knows everything important, or if he doesn’t, someone does, the Moron knows how much remains unknown, relatively speaking by everyone. “What passes for humility is no more than a glimmer of honest grading in a self-testing that doesn’t know any better,” said the Moron Club founder, himself a Harvard graduate.

[“First among equals,” the Bod Library founder knew there existed “more on every subject than was even there in the Widener Library, which could’ve been called the Narrower put up against all that wasn’t known, included or even mentioned yet. He not only introduced the first “More On This, More of That” course at Bod College, therefore, but predicted the rise in Moronic Testing, & impact of the Moron Revival on society (“its last, best hope”), as well as on SBD Testing stock, of which he kept a chunk of warrants under his mattress.]

1. Fill in the following blank____
~~~a) et
~~~b) bank-slip
~~~c) check-chit
~~~d) entry
~~~e) emptiness.

3. Now match these with their guilty associates, e.g.,
~~~a) Linus Up; b) Banana Peel Savings & Loan;
~~~c) Chechen City Library Free Chit Committee;
~~~d)  Free Olly Olly Entry; ~~~e) No Exit; ~~~f) No Way Out.

2. Complete the following idiomatic expressions the way most Morons do, automatically, i.e., without thinking.

The early bird gets the_____
~~~a) alarm; b) boot; c) seed; d) suet;
~~~e) cat; f) shaft; g) gumbo.

Don’t change______ while crossing a stream.
~~~a) diapers; b) bridges; c) britches;  c’) saddles;
~~~d) pesos to dollars; d’) straddles; e) hogs; e’) harleys

A fool & his _______                 are soon______.
~~~a) honey; b) pastrami;      ~~~a) parted; b) mustard;
~~~c) chips;                                   ~~~c) piled, multiplied & installed.

Familiarity breeds _______.
~~~a) families; b) fleas; c) breeding;
~~~d) brand loyalty; e) embarrassment;  f) contempt

Laughter is the best______.
~~~a) accupuncture; a’) aphrodizziac; b) bidet;
~~~b’) beret; c) chiropracty; c’) co-medical insurance;
~~~d) insanity defense; e) excuse for jocularity;
~~~f) possible response to humor therapy*.
~~~g) * though the value of groans & groaning has not yet been clinically established.

More Idioms for Morons

Pride goeth before the
~~~a) autumn; ~~~b) balls; ~~~c) crap;
~~~d) drop-off; ~~~e) …ellipses; ~~~f) flatulence

Pull my
–weight, height & fortune
~~~~~~  wait, don’t smell me
~~~~~~~link fence
~~~~~~~of command
~~~~~~~of lamb
~~~~~~~ging   [legging]
~~~~~~~ume  [legume]
~~~~~~~end   [leg-end]
~~~~~~~o         [oh-oh]

The expression “like pulling teeth” can have different meanings when spoken by a dentist; when delivered by a messenger with an ironic tone; when trying to get information from someone in an interrogation; & when written on a note to the Tooth Fairy. (See The Pull My Finger Test, Then Stand Back: the Toot Fairy through Time.) Although a pullet is a young hen, there is no such thing as a finger-licking pullet, since pullets a) have no fingers, only toes & wings; b) are more peckers than lickers. (One exception may be the pecker-licking pullet of New Papua, New Guinea, “not really so new, except to scientists.”–Pinhead Encyclopedia)

The SBD Wrong Answer Test (from Substandard Bidet & Dyckyduck)

As you may have guessed already, there are no right answers to the SBD Wrong Answer Test. All answers are wrong, therefore you can hardly keep from getting them right. The best depend entirely on what you want to say, hear, see or read, therefore, whichever comes first, multiplied by the total effect–from absence of affect to complete loss of bodily control & evaporation of all brain fluid. A good groan may deliver twice the expected credit, but a moist guffaw ten times more than that.

Speaking of which, this test should never be administered:
a) at all; b) by email or enema; c) semi-colonically; d) during rush or happy hour; e) while driving a snowplow or other moving vehicle, except by unauthorized personnel in a declared emergency; f) after its Pre Test Post Expiration Date; g) before you have signed your brain-injury waiver; h) in a hurry, or during a hurricane category III or higher; i) intravenously; j) in jail or to juries, unless soon to be hung; k) as a substitute for genuine Kvetch Therapy; l) loudly after lights out; m) without pseudo-medical supervision; n) to help the needy, at the expense of the nerdy; o) on the unsuspecting, unwitting & unwilling, without a good reason; p) in conjunction with a Placebo Overdose Program not yet approved or evaluated; whichever comes first; q) to the queasy or seasick on Princess Pools cruises in high seas; r) retroactively; s) in suspension; t) transcendentally; u) under a ship doctor’s examination table; v) vaginally, anally, nasally, orally, aurally & optically at the same time; w) wrongly; x) exponentially; y) while forking; z) during deep sleep (unless lucidly dreaming)….

Another way to say that only wrong answers are wanted, possible, or given points on a Wrong Answer Test is that a) all point-earning answers are wrong; b) wrong answers are a dime a dozen, being so common & easy to come by; c) being so common & easy to come by, we no longer need to offer more examples here–or ask more wrong questions.

[Courtesy, the Loose Id Dreamers, Mount Moron Academy Department of Admissions, &  SBD’s Substandard Bidet & Duk’s Lack of Intelligence Quizzes & LIQI-tests (“Knowing your Lack of Incomprehension Quotient gives you a step up in doing something about it–as well as a bonus credit the next time you take any SBD test.”]


It looks like we’ve left FUNNY behind, into the world of complete nonsense, a stream of consciousness muddily running down hillocks, arroyos & gutters with assorted cans, bottles & package-wrappers.  When Europeans first reached the clan gathering place in the outback, they mistook it for a town, which they promptly took over th emanagement of which, though kept the native name for it, Middenpile.

Now, in an era of globalization, expansion everywhere, & anthropologists trained in garbology (the study of what folks throw out), students & tourists alike flock to East, West, North, South & Central Middenpile, as well as to Old Middenpile, New Middenpile & Fort Middenpile, site of the Compost Revolution.    

According to the professionals who get paid to put out the BA Humbug Business & Organization Directory, “You can never know too much about what might be for sale, especially when it comes to brands & services included in the BA Humbug BOD, winner of numerous Miss Information Awards, as designated by the directory’s editors.

WIth the ubiquity of modern test-branding & contemporary brand-testing, you’d think the idea of incorporating brand information into student testing wouldn’t have come as such a shock. Why not let brands invest in the citizens of tomorrow today? Why not test them on the items, products, tools, & artifacts that are a relevant part of their lives–like the beer & bubble-pop they drink, aps they buy, caps & t-shirts they wear to the strip mall?

All the better that the BA Humbug BOD/ Business & Organization Directory accepts suggestions for future entries, particularly when accompanied by recommended a) cash incentive; b) samples; c) check, coupons, money order; d) debit card number; or e) ebux.]

First, test yourself to see if you have what it takes to excel in the bright brand recognition field of tomorrow, sure to heap cultural & financial rewards beyond accounting on those who can:
~~~a) cut the mustard; b) brand the baloney; c) get in early;
~~~d) pass GO (or GO STONES, in Japan); e) exceed expectations.

Port Hole Brands

  1. The best-selling bar whiskeys in Port Hole are
    a) Alky Ho Fizzy, “sold by the short shot”
    b)Brass Bidet, “spittoon avec beret”
    c) Al’s Corn Likker, “ear candy”
    d) Disgustibus Aged, “non disputandum est.”
    e) Epail, “What email is to the art of letters, Epail is to the distiller’s art.”
    f) Fifth’s’n Quarks, “Filth & Corks” (formerly Cocken Bull)
    g) Lightning Bug, “in a jub”
    h) Hole Light, Hole Dark & Down the hatch
    i) Idiot Rye, “bacon in a bottle”
  2. Mobile refrigerator magnet magnate & STicket Inn founder Willy Sticket’s auto-biography is called, Driving

a) A Holes Crazy; b) a Hard Bargain; c) Chihuahuas to Acapulco;
d) Dogies to Throw-a-Hula-han; e) Counter-clockwise Exits Top-heavy;
f) Fleas  to the Circus; 
g) NIght Spots to Absinthe; h) Hugos in U-turns
i) Your Arguments Home After; j) Pundits Wild–confounding predictions!

[“Prediction: Something that comes before articulate speech.” —Dick’s Pre-dictionary]

3.. In Down the Up Escalator, Reverse reporters Juan Pinyones & Molly Coddle Bonkers debunk:
a) the idea that Great Mimes Think Alike, coming to opposite conclusions;
b)  the idiotic premise that morons don’t think at all, let alone alike;
c) the ridiculous claim that the odd often try to get even (usually in pairs);
d) Brewskis Theorem; Law; Rathskeller; Bunkhouse; Bunk & Bidet Emporium;
e) the Empty Space Hypothesis (a.k.a. the Void Between the Ears Premise, as in “I don’t think I think; I drink, therefor I am.”)
f) the BIG PHALLUS Fallacy;
g) the “where did it all go” conundrums (now a snare drum ensemble appearing weekly at Gigi’s G-spot, call for reservations);
h) What was the question?

~~~~~~~Brigadier General Knowledge

4. Did you know that the world’s coldest recorded temperature was -135 degrees, in Witches Treat, Wisconsin, 2010?
a) yes; b) no; c) maybe; d) I don’t know. e) who cares?

5. Did you know that after the Great Mustard Runoff from the Old Krapshaft Mine, the name of the Animas River was changed to the Enemas?
a) I used to, but not any more. b) I’m afraid so, though trying to forget.
c) a bad joke countless morons must’ve considered & rejected.
d) Nein.

6. Fill in the blank with the best available choice based on recent reporting.

~~The police evacuated
~~~~# the building
~~~~# their bowels
~~~~# the toilet bowl
~~~  # the cotton bowl

[Cotton makes a poor bowl, & so is no longer recommended for non-dehydrated soups.]

7. Pick one of the following
~~~slogans; ~~~mottoes; ~~~logos; ~~  noses

a) “Your witch is my command.” –Hogfarts Academy of Wishcrapt
b) “A motto a day keeps the mildew away.” –Manny Mota’s Motto Monthly
c) “The lower you go, the higher you score.” –The Limbo Bar Guide to Lawyers
d) “Take your pick–& shovel.” –Shovit Excavations, Inc.

[a) Hogfarts is a leading pre-doctorate academy.
b) Manny Mota’s Motto Monthly is the Motto Master’s Bible.
c) The Limbo Bar is a dimly lit basement bimbo bistro in Soso.
d) Shovit Enterprises is the legacy of acerbic comic John Shovitz.


This has been just a poor sample of the tests reported recently in The Mirror Times Mirror Testes Monitor, a More-Or-Less-Annual-Review (MOLAR) covering both questions & answers, right & wrong, better & worser, but representative of the wider self-examination community. Some of the companies whose better tests will be covered in future issues include:

Substandard & Bidet–the Peninsula’s leading teacher-&-student evaluation company, in the business of ranking schools, their inhabitants, & their neighbors since the days of dice, wine & roses; trial by fire; penny-a-point (when points were still just a penny each, pre-shaviong).

Their most well known offerings include the SLIQ, the SBUQ & the UBIQ.
~~~~~ = the Substandard Lack of Incomprehension Query, given to all 2nd time 3rd graders (& bi-annually ever after);
~~~~~= the Substandard & Bidet Unintelligence Quotient, which must be passed to get a) a birth certificate; b) a driver’s license; c) a certificate of incompetence; d) a death certificate; e) extra-large-capacity magazines (with qualifying weapons purchase);
~~~~~= the Ubiquitous Bidet (Brand & Business) Information Questionnaire, given to all available consumers to assess their knowledge of brands & bolster businesses the company recommends “patronizing.”

Funk & Thunker–specialists in clunker engineering assessment aptitudes & pre-medical terminology re-uptake potentials, generally required of applicants in fields as varied as Anatomical Degunk Assistance, Pre-Hygiene Mechanics, & valet parking management.

The Undictionary Company–a cloud-based word-entry check cashing service that offers credit scores to high fliers, based on knowledge of words & ability to access them in misspelling lexicons & non-alphabetical collections, e.g., Dick’s Handy Random Virtual Pocket Pinhead Non-alphabetical Dictionary Encyclopedia Atlas Directory Thesaurus.

The Fakakta Medical & Psychiatric Dysfunction Guide to Billing Codes, when Morse is less, & common terms for different kinds of nuts are inadequate, the Fakakta’s “Enigma Variations” kick in, to offer clinical personnel proven shortcuts to agency reimbursement circuits, including unusual conditions not previously described in emergency- or waiting-room literature.

The Stay Tuned Short Attention Span Bridge Detour & Scenic By-Pass Administration’s Speed Reading Map Test ….