Sparkling Inn Cider (sic)

Alice’s Sparkling Inn Cider is now available by the barrel; bidet; bathtub; bucket, boot, bottle & bootie. Guaranteed to shake up any meeting, rendezvous, tete-a-tete or other gathering, you’ll know when it’s Sparkling Inn Cider from the
—fizz, hiss & sizzle; —lick, scent & nibble;
—sipping, slurping sounds;—easy squeezing & pleasing;
—how dizzy you get while spinning;—sparking, cracking & pops.

The best other inn ciders can manage is a messy mint or chocolate nipple on your pillow. Sparkling Inn Pillows, on the other hand, put the Inn Cider Symphony right in your ear!*

  • Shaped like bananas, these pillows can now also be found at the Sticket Inn down the Hatch Highway, at Fishhook Cove on famous Sharkbait Bay, run by the same Chum Brothers who manage the Tiny Tuna piano bar & Tina Turner Aquarium Performance Space in Port Hole. (Tell them “Van Gogh’s Nana sent me,” & you’ll get the second ear of corn half off! Pronounce Vinnie’s van-name so it rhymes with OFF & get half off your banana, too, at the same time.)

Thanks to the Product Placemat folks at BA Humbug for this feature & the well-stocked press conference at which they announced it.**

** BA Humbug was formed in the merger of Boastful Advertising & the Humbuggery public relations firm that tried to destroy Christmas.***

*** Though its client list is officially “confidential,” presumably to avoid guilt by association, WOMA [Word Of Mouth Attributions] says it’s a well-known secret Ba Humbug  clients have recently included:

Ogosh Galoshes, the new ‘corral-style’ cologne from Olivia Livid at Le Smooch, the French affiliate of Stinkhole Industries, is being billed as a follow-up to their highly successful Whiff-en-poop, the after-shave for strike-out artists;

The Whacked Canteloupe, a drive through wedding chapel for couples who can’t elope normally, who follow the ceremony with a Canned Antelope reception & road-kill  honeymoon;

St. Nickerless Christmas Club, whose members in good standing receive complete manger-management service from the St. Nickerless Sisters of the Immaculate Misconception, followed by improv sketches featuring the “bottomless wisdom of the far from topless magi,” Sir Curly, Maxi Mo & Pasha Baldersnatch;

Hissy Fit, the legal brief transcription service for everyone (“Juan Sighs fish squall…”).
~~~~~~”If the hissy don’t fit, you must acquit.” –Johnny Cockburn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~”No we don’t.” –Jury Room Response Team

Gigi’s G-Spot, where hot entertainment fresh from the poles is just the tip of the iceberg….
~~~”Try the 8-sock cocktail, if you dare–3 shots absinthe, 3 rye, & a squirt of mud in each eye, served with a Sardine up the nose while squinting, snorting & squirting. If you don’t have the stomach for quite that much adventure, Gigi offers newcomers a Free First Lick to test her time-share lollipop tray & ice cream service.*

  • First Lick is the intellectual property of BLOB, the Bod Library’s Original Brand division, which offers extremely liberal licensing arrangements for a fraction of what you’d pay your defense lawyers.[BLOB also holds rights to the all-day Clock Sucker, Second Hand Lolly, & SmeltIt’s sCream wishkey. [Contact us with proposal if interested c/o] “You’ve got a lock; we’ve got the whish-key.”]

Meanwhile, the G-Spots play nightly, along with the cheek-popping Digiridoo-doos-Daddies & Slippery Ellipses, a warm-up band replaced Sundays by the 4 Kin Ex Statics.]


Speaking of pops–

Did you know that the popular Port Hole Pops got its name not from “popular,” but from the sounds of their: a) amps; b) balloons; c) cheeks; d) dobros; e) electric outlets; f) flatulent tubas; g) growth factors; h) popcorn poppers?

If you answered Yes, you were only partly right. The original Port Hole Pops was the common name of a one-man band & slam poet who also emptied the buckets & swept the floors at the Leaky Bucket. (One of his signature pieces, “Pop it again, Slam; Slam it again, Pops,” was featured in the film Cacablanca, in which a suavely gritty Humphrey Blogart played the proprietor of Rick’s Leaky Bucket & Sam the Sham played the piano roll. *

  • The original Rick’s in Cacablanca has been compared to “a Squat-Hole Pit Toilet following others with poor aim,” this in a review in The Mirror-Times-Mirror Revue, which carried ads in the same issue for both the SHPT Squat Hole Pit Toilets & Rick’s Leaky Buckets, “which never need emptying.”


The views expressed on this page, if any, do not necessarily reflect the tastes, opinions & fancies of our readers, writers, editors, advertisers, subscribers, corporate executives,  stock market analysts, investors or share-price manipulators, if any.

“They represent the depths to which the desperate will descend to squeeze a cheap laugh out of a state otherwise characterized by corporal pain, spiritual suffering & temporary avoidance of death.” –J. Alfred Fruflock, Matchbook Community College (Dept. of Existential Angst Management*) [Dr. Fruflock also does private consulting under the Existential Angst Relief brand.]

~~~”When existential angst is the problem, EAR may be your solution.”

~~~”You can get practically anything you want at Alice’s Inn–Restaurant, Restroom, Rest Stop, Relaxing rooms (some with beds, baths & bidets), Reservation Confirmation Coupons, Pre- & Post-biotic-diet-supplement replacements, Recreation Area Maps (with Erogenous Zone discount codes & directions to places like Ricks, the G-Spot, etc.

Quickie Quizicle

Answer the following question correctly & you’ll win a second night free at an Alice’s Sparkling Inn near you. (Second night must be used concurrently or, in some locations, at the same time.) Next door neighbors are not eligible.

“If newspapers provide the first draft of history, Alice’s Inn provides the first draft of:
~~~~# Sparkling Inn Cider; ~~~~# Ye Olde Stale Ale (“Eli Lite”);
~~~~# Yesterday’s Product Placement Predictions Today;
~~~~# The TMI Encyclopedia’s special Brand Ad Report;
~~~~# The Off-the-Wall’s Treat Urinal;
~~~~# The Last Call of the Wild Before Last Chance Gas….”

[Quickie Quizicles don’t waste time on answer sheets or answer identification codes {e.g., “a), b), c), d)…g) all of the above”}, but rely instead on readers following the Annex for Humor & Media Honor Code, which calls for both self-grading & self-laughing. The more you laugh, the higher you score on L-O-L (Library-On-Line’s) Self-Assessment Gradient (sag), which is adjusted for how funny the answers are on the ATS (Absolute Thumb Scale).

The fact that you laugh at some alternatives more than at others does not mean these others a) aren’t funny; b) are failures; c) aren’t doing what’s needed in the set up, though it could also mean any or all of these.

“The Quizicle is to testing what a Popsicle is to
~~~~desert cuisine” (Jewel Ya Childs, Fast Foods);
~~~~hammer roids” (Larry of Arabia, Camel Humps & Saddle Bumps);
~~~~your EAR” (J. Alfred Fruflock, Existential Angst Relief Simplified);
~~~~a sticky stick” (R. “Sticky” Wicket, The StickyStik Corporation);
~~~~a wheedfield” (Port Hole Pops, A Guide to Sics & Ics, Icles & Sicles);
~~~~you” (Yours Crudely, The M T Mirror*).]

* In conjunction with FATA (Footnote & Testing Ads), TSIC (Top Secret Information Classifieds),  & the research interns at the MTCC (Matchbookcover Technical College of Correspondence, “where professional degrees are just a postcard away”).**

** If you have something scholars might be interested din, what better place to reach their eyeballs during waking hours than by way of Footnote Advertising?***

*** If that were a real question, you might find it on test offered by Query Placements, the Peninsula’s leading placer of ads in quizes, quizicles, tests & testicles, which has proven superior to other advertising vehicles in test after test.****

**** Some scholars believe this is because the ad is more likely to lodge in the hippocampus for library transfer after stopping at the Amygdala Cafe first, to get jazzed up with  excitement, either as spillover from test-taking anxiety (try the Adrenalin with a Proctor chaser for a rush) or simply as by-product from the heightened state kicking in to improve performance intentionally.*****

***** This last may be considered an example of mind over what matters, assuming score is what does. *******

******* See Does Score Matter: testing the testers, in the Debunk Encyclopedia of Anti-Conventional Wisdom for a contrary opinion.