No News Magazine

As bad as some things look, they can still get much worse. Is that the upside or the downside? —The Upside Down Pessimist

The better things look, the more you may need a new optometrist. —Much Ado About Nada, by Aurora Shock

It was the worst of times, the best of times, the emptiest of mirrors. —A Tale of Two Absurdities, by Chuckle Duckums.

Why mind what Dickens or Duckums might have to say when Dick’s Absurd Ditties not only speak for themselves, but dance, mime, & blow bubble-kazoos? —Y Mind: when you come to a fork in the mind…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For more fun than you might expect from what you’ve read so far, Bod Library (dba as Ricardo the Card Cat) is pleased to send you:

Sweet Nothings—a post-groun’dawg day escape—

the latest version of the debut issue (in Pdf.):

No-News-Magazine (2-2-2017b)

Do not stop what you are doing just to read this.
–Low Shelf Esteem Acting Librarian (Maude Frigate Smyth)

“Minimum Daily Maximum has not yet been clinically pre-determined. Until then, try not to under-exceed the Maximum Daily Minimum recommended for someone else in your shoes &/or condition, while the discom-bod-ulation resolves.”
—Underdone & Overdosed, “When humor therapy isn’t funny.” Don’t Matter Press

Un-remembering The (More or Less Annual ) DAILY GROUNDAWG of yoretoday’s No News-hounds take a backseat to no one when it comes to: a) aroma; b) bussing; c) crotches; d) deletions, doggerel & delusions; e) excess of extra choices & credits; f) fake fur foxes, no news flashes & funk science frictions; g) Gigi’s G-Spot & other Mishugunah Peninsula off-the-record anonymous no-news story sources; h) take your pick, & shovel; i)….
The M T Mirror-Times-Mirror Review

The first question, should you choose to answer it, is whether a virtual magazine with no actual news (beyond what year it supposedly is) can still light your bulb, if not your wick; ring your gong, if not your bathtub; exercise your noodle &/or twerk your funny bones enough to make the time it takes worthwhile at the current price (no-chits).
–Short-Attention-Span required, not included.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

–The Clapperless Bell—

Oh do not ask for whom it doesn’t toll, it doesn’t toll for thee.
(Grateful to avoid the noise, some prefer to stay toll-free.)

The Short Attention Span Suspension Bridge Club
Sandwich—is quite a strange kind of grub,

underdone, stuffed in a bun, baked in an empty pot,
twisted through a pastry gun into a fifth half-knot.

Never mind where the buck stops, or the dough you’ve got,
Watch for where the egg drops when your head is in that spot.

If it hits the spot the watcher thought while looking up to see
just how it dropped when left uncaught, propelled by gravity,

it may smack with a shatter & splatter your face with a-foggin,
so in a flash of gray matter, you think you’ve invented egg noggin.

Now we lets the phone ring, O-ring, & bathtub ring, too.
Our bell has no clapper, our tongue has no stinger or screw,

—John Did, For Whom the Bathtub Rings, What Juan Done Press
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Secret Writing Revealed

It turns out that the Pdf. format used (above) preserves the intended layout (while some other formats scramble the text-image relations beyond readability), but not the hidden writing feature (with ability to reveal same by highlighting an area), which fails to translate.

As the issue explores the existence &/or non-existence of various kinds of blanks, the white-on-white writing (a virtual version of the invisible inks used by child spies) thus lost (from page 11) can be found below, with the page re-pasted here in two ways: first, with the website’s version of white-on-white writing added; then with white-ink changed to blue.

The initial paste from the Pages file to the website brought content across but not ink-color (& indents), using black ink (& left margins) as default. The white ink for the text was then restored, making the secret writing visible when highlighting the area involved. [Hold shift key down while running cursor over area.] The original page pasted has a link to this page, which contains the whole magazine, including the page pasted, for a provocative twist….

More or less unlike mirrors that contain reflections of each other, each “re-generation” or new format taken contains its own constraints, including limits on what gets translated or brought across. In the Pdf., which we’ll call version #1, the white-on-white feature is completely lost. In version #2, the invisible writing is restored for the website. In version #3, it’s translated to full visibility.

version 2:

—to the cloud…, where this page is written

almost entirely in white ink on a white background, as is common in the 11th dimension.

😎 Did You Know (DYK)—

# the Bod Library Gift Shop
~~~has nothing for sale (& lots of it, but only while supplies last)?
~~~gives anywhere from 10-100% discount (with time off for good behavior)?
~~~offers a complete honey-backed guarantee (lick it, you’ll like it)?
~~~has the most liberal slots in Vegas (some progressive, some radical)?
~~~is currently open to “unauthorized personnel only,” in an undisclosed location?

# Bod Library Cards
~~~come in 4 suit-tie-hat-&-sock combinations?
~~~~~~brains, hearts, birthday & zoot?
~~~~~~striped, orange, polka dot & elvis velvet?
~~~~~~brains-on-eggs, hearts on sleeves, rhinestones on jumpsuits & clubs on fire?
~~~~~~spade-nosed toads, blushing lovebirds, loupe diamondbacks & baseball bats?

~~~are meant to be 
~~~~~~dealt randomly from the virtual universal library card catalog?
~~~~~~shuffled frequently, sometimes in mid-hand, mid-line, mid-wo?
~~~~~~the only kind accepted at many cozy inns & elite outlets?
~~~~~~used at exclusive  Mobius Strip Poker Parlors & elite 4 Oases Casinos?
~~~have not yet been
~~~~~~designed?
~~~~~~produced?
~~~~~~distributed?
~~~~~~returned for better editing?
~~~may one day be
~~~~~~prized by collectors?
~~~~~~traded on major exchanges?
~~~~~~framed?
~~~~~~exonerated?

[This page was not left blank, intentionally. See a deciphered version right here on the website by holding shift key down while moving cursor over the “empty” field.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Version 3 changing the virtual ink color (as alternative to darkening page-background or running the cursor over the missing writing to read white-on-white directly):

—to the cloud…, where this page is written almost entirely in white ink on a white background, as is common in the 11th dimension.

😎 Did You Know (DYK)—

# the Bod Library Gift Shop
~~~has nothing for sale (& lots of it, but only while supplies last)?
~~~gives anywhere from 10-100% discount (with time off for good behavior)?
~~~offers a complete honey-backed guarantee (lick it, you’ll like it)?
~~~has the most liberal slots in Vegas (some progressive, some radical)?
~~~is currently open to “unauthorized personnel only,” in an undisclosed location?

# Bod Library Cards
~~~come in 4 suit-tie-hat-&-sock combinations?
~~~~~~brains, hearts, birthday & zoot?
~~~~~~striped, orange, polka dot & elvis velvet?
~~~~~~brains-on-eggs, hearts on sleeves, rhinestones on jumpsuits & clubs on fire?
~~~~~~spade-nosed toads, blushing lovebirds, loupe diamondbacks & baseball bats?

~~~are meant to be 
~~~~~~dealt randomly from the virtual universal library card catalog?
~~~~~~shuffled frequently, sometimes in mid-hand, mid-line, mid-wo?
~~~~~~the only kind accepted at many cozy inns & elite outlets?
~~~~~~used at exclusive  Mobius Strip Poker Parlors & elite 4 Oases Casinos?
~~~have not yet been
~~~~~~designed?
~~~~~~produced?
~~~~~~distributed?
~~~~~~returned for better editing?
~~~may one day be
~~~~~~prized by collectors?
~~~~~~traded on major exchanges?
~~~~~~framed?
~~~~~~exonerated?

Even odd bits of nonsense can
~~~make music, possibly meaningful patterns, various reader differences?
~~~turn time to space, space to new frontiers, new frontiers to fractals?
~~~coil in spirals across scales, dimensions, & generations?
~~~whistle (thru graveyards), whittle (release forms), & wiffle (balls in the air)?

[According to our resident expert on alien communication, the riff above might actually make sense to hyper-sentient extra-terrestials, with the added advantage of having turned off & away any who might be scouting for creatures with good taste.]

[Those who measure carefully may find that version 3 is actually longer than version 1 & 2, which kept within the original Page limit no longer relevant on-line, where the SCROLL rules. Freed from that arbitrary constraint here, the ‘translator’ was able to add what the original author (who happens to be the same person, although operating without signed permission) didn’t have room for.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~